Not many people are aware of this but I have an anxiety problem. Looking at a pile of dishes that need to be washed is overwhelming. Trying to make a phone call fills me with fear and embarrassment. I've been called lazy and I must admit I do prefer to sit about rather than do chores, but who doesn't? I'm not excusing myself. I know that things need to be done but when just the thought of making a phone call fills you with fear of making a fool out of yourself it makes it rather difficult to accomplish. I've had this problem my entire life, although when I was younger I lacked the ability to explain it properly. It isn't logical but that does not make it any less real to me. This anxiety has controlled various aspects of my life. School work was beyond frustrating. Practicing my violin was difficult for fear of someone hearing and thinking I was the worst violinist ever. Cleaning my room or my house has been something I still struggle with every day. I'm not messy because I prefer it that way. I live in a mess because the very idea of starting such a large project overwhelms me because I have no idea where or how to start. I can't go to the library or the video store without an idea of what I want. I look at a book shelf and I can't pick anything for fear of picking the wrong one. I know I sound crazy and I must admit that is partly the case but I also know that there are many people out there who suffer quietly, just as I do. Their families don't understand, their friends never take the time to see but they struggle with simple things every day. I can handle the really big things. If there is an emergency I'm perfectly calm (unless my own blood is involved but that is a different story). If a friend is having an emotional break down I'm there and ready to give advice. It is the little things, the seemingly simple things that stifle me.
I've been accused of being a poor mother to Kevin. Everyone feels they know what is best for him. They blame my procrastination in getting him an appointment(which is really an avoidance of anxiety) for Kevin's delayed speech. Anyone who has spent a day with Kevin, even an hour, could tell you Kevin is not an average toddler. I'm not saying he is a special little genius. He just doesn't fit into the 'norm'. He is so hyper-active that he makes ADHD kids look calm. He can climb just about anything. He doesn't listen, although he understands me perfectly well. He hates to sleep. He is so energetic that he can't even sit down to read for 2 minutes. Honestly, I don't think there is anything truly wrong with Kevin. He is just like his father and I, he lives life on his own terms. Kevin knows a lot of words and chooses not to use them. I want him to be evaluated to put my motherly worries at rest but I do not think he has any big developmental problems. You may disagree but despite what other people think, I do know him best. I am the one who has spent an entire year with no more than 24 hours (collectively) when I wasn't in Kevin's company. I do not judge other people's parenting skills. We all make mistakes and we learn from them. My son is happy and healthy. He has one problem and we are trying to sort through the awful military system to get it properly taken care of as quickly as possible.
I have a lot of things to work out in my life and I'm asking for one more chance to prove I am the person I want to be. I'm getting treatment for my anxiety and I am addressing my other issues one at a time.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Horrible Blogger
No reference to Dr. Horrible's Sing-along blog (although that is a pretty awesome musical).
I'm a horrible blogger because of my lack of updates. I haven't drawn much in the past few months so there hasn't been much to post. I've also been incredibly busy. Since the end of November I have moved cross country, had my car break down just before we left, dealt with what I like to call the holiday crucible, dealt with some crazy moments, hated the Air Force, jumped for joy when my toddler finally started talking (dwink peas!), started applying for jobs, paid bills, dealt with my family, dealt with my husband's family, saw my friends and remembered why I love them, those wonderful crazy bastards. As you can see I've been busy.
I do however have some costume related news to post about. I've started and nearly finished by first full costume. It isn't at all steamy but was a christmas request from my sister for a new year's party. My current project is a ringmaster's costume. I must say I HATE sequins when I'm sewing but they look SO cool on this jacket. I started with a pattern but I've made some custom alterations, such as a crinoline detail and a faux vest. I have pictures on my camera but I have to find that pesky connector cable, so hopefully by tomorrow I will have something posted.
It is fun drawing costumes (even as poorly as I do) but it is even more fun to watch a costume come together. I love the whole process (even that annoying cutting part). Hopefully I will have a completed project soon.
I'm a horrible blogger because of my lack of updates. I haven't drawn much in the past few months so there hasn't been much to post. I've also been incredibly busy. Since the end of November I have moved cross country, had my car break down just before we left, dealt with what I like to call the holiday crucible, dealt with some crazy moments, hated the Air Force, jumped for joy when my toddler finally started talking (dwink peas!), started applying for jobs, paid bills, dealt with my family, dealt with my husband's family, saw my friends and remembered why I love them, those wonderful crazy bastards. As you can see I've been busy.
I do however have some costume related news to post about. I've started and nearly finished by first full costume. It isn't at all steamy but was a christmas request from my sister for a new year's party. My current project is a ringmaster's costume. I must say I HATE sequins when I'm sewing but they look SO cool on this jacket. I started with a pattern but I've made some custom alterations, such as a crinoline detail and a faux vest. I have pictures on my camera but I have to find that pesky connector cable, so hopefully by tomorrow I will have something posted.
It is fun drawing costumes (even as poorly as I do) but it is even more fun to watch a costume come together. I love the whole process (even that annoying cutting part). Hopefully I will have a completed project soon.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Disappointment and Frustration
I'm not an overly political person. I don't watch the campaigns closely or follow the polls as if they might reveal the meaning of life. I do, however, have an opinion as most people do. I am happy with the results of the presidential election. Obama will bring change, that is for certain. How good (or bad) this change will be is something we shall have to wait and see. I'm rather proud of my fellow Americans. I know many are not happy with the outcome of this election but I feel as if people are more unified. We may not agree on abortion laws or gay marriage but we can most certainly support our new president. I feel the country will begin to move in a positive direction, although it will likely take us years to recover from the currently messy economy and the draining war. So please, even if you voted for McCain, support our new President-Elect. We can not bring about change without a unified front.
My current disappointment comes from the results of the California votes on Proposition 8. Prop 8 was supported by a large majority and will pass into law. It bans same-sex marriage. I am saddened that so many loving couples will not have the ability to share in a loving marriage. Gay marriage is no threat to my, more traditional, marriage. As I mentioned in a previous post single, heterosexual girls are more of a threat to my marriage than two loving individuals who want commit exclusively to each other. I see promiscuity, prostitution, sexism and even feminism as more of threat to my marriage. The idea of a "traditional" marriage is laughable. No marriage is traditional. Every marriage is different. Even my own marriage defies the term traditional. I may be a stay-at-home mom but I am by no means the June Cleaver of traditional marriage. I don't bring my husband a cocktail when he gets home from work. I make major decisions without my husband, such as the up coming move. I pay the bills and draw up the monthly budgets. I am a military wife. There is nothing traditional about my marriage. My husband is currently living 1500 miles away from me. I am a married single parent for the next 4 months. It does not look so tradition if you take a second look. So next time you decide to tell someone how to live, examine your own life first. You might find your life is not as traditional as you thought.
Ah Frustration. It seems every day I find something to be frustrated about. Today it is a number of things. I went to Target this morning to pick up a few odds and ends. I picked out some new trucks for Kevin and when I get the register I can barely pry them out of his hands to ring them up. When I went to pull my wallet out, I realized I had left it in the car. When Kevin realized we were walking away from the cars he threw a monster tantrum. I can barely lift him when he is calm, so lifting this flailing, screaming thing my child had become was nearly impossible. Somehow we made it out to the car and I found my wallet buried underneath the passenger seat. Don't ask me how it got there, I blame the elves that exist for the sole purpose of making my life difficult. We finally managed to get back to the register and pay for everything. I gave Kevin his cars and you would have thought I had just handed him a holy relic. His face was one of pure awe and excitement.
Yesterday my frustration of the day was getting Tanner a carrier for our upcoming road trip. I only have one and she doesn't fit in it anymore, so the cat had a place to stay but my rat did not. I initially bought her one of those super cute soft bags that crazy people carry their dogs around in but when I got it home I realized the little monster was much too tall. I went back to petsmart and took Tanner with me this time. There is no task more difficult than going to the store with a toddler who doesn't listen and a puppy who listens even less. I somehow managed to drag puppy and child into the store and back to where the crates are. Now my dog weighs 6 pounds at the most, so it should be pretty easy to get a crate for her right? You just pick the smallest one. Wrong. My tiny little dog is freakishly tall. She weighs 6 lbs and stands over 11 inches tall. I had to buy a crate meant for a 25lbs dog. This one even has a neat door in the lid so I can lower her into it rather than attempting to stuff the stubborn dog through the door.
My current disappointment comes from the results of the California votes on Proposition 8. Prop 8 was supported by a large majority and will pass into law. It bans same-sex marriage. I am saddened that so many loving couples will not have the ability to share in a loving marriage. Gay marriage is no threat to my, more traditional, marriage. As I mentioned in a previous post single, heterosexual girls are more of a threat to my marriage than two loving individuals who want commit exclusively to each other. I see promiscuity, prostitution, sexism and even feminism as more of threat to my marriage. The idea of a "traditional" marriage is laughable. No marriage is traditional. Every marriage is different. Even my own marriage defies the term traditional. I may be a stay-at-home mom but I am by no means the June Cleaver of traditional marriage. I don't bring my husband a cocktail when he gets home from work. I make major decisions without my husband, such as the up coming move. I pay the bills and draw up the monthly budgets. I am a military wife. There is nothing traditional about my marriage. My husband is currently living 1500 miles away from me. I am a married single parent for the next 4 months. It does not look so tradition if you take a second look. So next time you decide to tell someone how to live, examine your own life first. You might find your life is not as traditional as you thought.
Ah Frustration. It seems every day I find something to be frustrated about. Today it is a number of things. I went to Target this morning to pick up a few odds and ends. I picked out some new trucks for Kevin and when I get the register I can barely pry them out of his hands to ring them up. When I went to pull my wallet out, I realized I had left it in the car. When Kevin realized we were walking away from the cars he threw a monster tantrum. I can barely lift him when he is calm, so lifting this flailing, screaming thing my child had become was nearly impossible. Somehow we made it out to the car and I found my wallet buried underneath the passenger seat. Don't ask me how it got there, I blame the elves that exist for the sole purpose of making my life difficult. We finally managed to get back to the register and pay for everything. I gave Kevin his cars and you would have thought I had just handed him a holy relic. His face was one of pure awe and excitement.
Yesterday my frustration of the day was getting Tanner a carrier for our upcoming road trip. I only have one and she doesn't fit in it anymore, so the cat had a place to stay but my rat did not. I initially bought her one of those super cute soft bags that crazy people carry their dogs around in but when I got it home I realized the little monster was much too tall. I went back to petsmart and took Tanner with me this time. There is no task more difficult than going to the store with a toddler who doesn't listen and a puppy who listens even less. I somehow managed to drag puppy and child into the store and back to where the crates are. Now my dog weighs 6 pounds at the most, so it should be pretty easy to get a crate for her right? You just pick the smallest one. Wrong. My tiny little dog is freakishly tall. She weighs 6 lbs and stands over 11 inches tall. I had to buy a crate meant for a 25lbs dog. This one even has a neat door in the lid so I can lower her into it rather than attempting to stuff the stubborn dog through the door.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Dogs can be a pain too
Harry Used to wake me up like this. Now my dog is the one waking me up. She tends to hop (yes my dog hops) a lot more than Harry, which is much more annoying.
This is from the series Simon's Cat by Simon Tofield. As are the two previous posts.
For those of you who just can't get enough of Kevin
I know it is ridiculous but I've started a blog about Kevin. You can read it at:
http://thekevinmonster.blogspot.com
It'll just be Kevin's wild antics and my mommy thoughts which I had been posting here but I think I should have at least one part of my life that is child-free.
http://thekevinmonster.blogspot.com
It'll just be Kevin's wild antics and my mommy thoughts which I had been posting here but I think I should have at least one part of my life that is child-free.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
